The Power of Pausing and Understanding Your Kids/Stepkids Emotions
Have you ever had a door slammed in your face by an angry child? Maybe you’ve been caught off guard by an unexpected outburst? Of course you have! We’ve all encountered the complex emotions of our kids.
It’s a rollercoaster of emotions when that happens. You might feel a jolt of shock, followed by a pinch of hurt or disappointment. It can really make you question your parenting skills, wondering where things went sideways, or what you could've done differently. Perhaps your child’s anger triggers raw pain inside of you. Perhaps you also feel a surge of concern and empathy for the upset kid or teen, wanting to understand what's really going on beneath their angry exterior. Their frustration might even spark your own feelings of frustration as you try to navigate the challenges of connecting with your child.
A while ago, I gained valuable advice from one of my mentors and it’s been changing how I handle moments like this with our kids.
In the inevitable event that one of our kids gets upset when I ask them to put away their dishes or pick up after themselves, or I encounter a generally sour mood, I try to pause and think:
🔥 What else could be happening here?
Here's the truth:
When kids act rude or angry, they're often dealing with their own emotional struggles. Especially with my brood of four bonus kids and one biological child, including two teenagers and a tween, it can feel complicated to navigate their responses. I imagine they’re often having a frustrating time understanding themselves!
It could be any variety of things they’re struggling with:
Maybe they’ve had a rough day at school.
Maybe they didn't get enough sleep last night (I know I can be grouchy when I'm tired).
Maybe they feel torn between their biological parents and stepparents, unsure of how to show love to everyone without upsetting someone.
Maybe they are having a hard time adapting to changes between homes and struggle to express their confusion or frustration.
Maybe the changes in their bodies as they approach and go through puberty are exhausting their energy.
Maybe they feel threatened by their new siblings and worry about sharing their parent's attention.
Maybe they are grieving the loss of “the way things used to be”.
Maybe they are struggling with the fear of change and the unknown as they head into middle school or high school. Getting older can feel intimidating and overwhelming!
Whatever it is, it's not personal. It’s usually not even about us as parents.
By recognizing that, I can see their behavior through a more neutral lens.
With that neutrality, I can address their anger or rudeness calmly. They still need to complete the task we asked them to do or learn to be respectful, but there's no need for the situation to escalate. It's incredibly important for us as parents to keep our cool in situations where our kids are angry. It’s easier said than done, and I’m nowhere near being flawless in this area. Staying calm and collected during a heated moment shows our kids how to handle their own feelings in a healthy way.
Most often, the timing isn't right to address their outburst in the moment, so Kelvin and I wait to check in with them later to see how they're doing. We can then take the opportunity to dig deeper to uncover what might be bothering them and figure out how we can best support them – often, that means just listening. Hint: the best time to hang out and have a heart-to-heart with your teen is in the evening/late at night.
When we handle these emotional outbursts this way, our kids are more likely to relax and engage in an open conversation about what's truly bothering them. Remember, kids and teens are always going through a lot, and a little understanding goes a long way.
“Lead with your ears, follow up with your tongue, and let anger straggle along in the rear. God’s righteousness doesn’t grow from human anger. So throw all spoiled virtue and cancerous evil in the garbage. In simple humility, let our gardener, God, landscape you with the Word, making a salvation-garden of your life.”
But, what happens when we fail???
We're only human, and we all mess up. Sometimes we react the wrong way to our kids' anger. The important thing is recognizing our mistakes and taking steps to make things right.
Yep, that means saying sorry to our kids.
Here's how we can best apologize and regain our kids' trust:
Own up to your mistake: Admit that you didn't handle the situation well and acknowledge your part in the conflict or misunderstanding.
Be genuine: Follow up with a heartfelt apology, showing your child that you truly care about their feelings and well-being.
Listen and empathize: Give your child a chance to express their feelings and really listen to what they have to say. Try to understand their perspective and validate their emotions.
Learn from the experience: It never helps to beat yourself up. Instead, recognize that we are all practicing this thing called “parenthood” every day. Reflect on the situation and consider what you could have done differently. Use this insight to help guide your future responses.
Make a commitment to change: Show your child that you're willing to work on improving your reactions and communication. This could involve seeking support, like reading parenting books or attending workshops and working with a great therapist to learn new strategies. Commit to change and discipline your emotions.
Rebuild trust through actions: Demonstrating consistent, loving, and understanding behavior over time will help rebuild trust and strengthen your bond with your kids.
Paraphrased with content credit to Psychology Today
It's never too late to make amends and grow as a parent. The key is to be open, honest, and willing to learn from our mistakes.
