How to Let Go of the Shame of Divorce
Photo by Nancy Center Photography | Sulfur Ridge Treehouse
Are you or is someone you know struggling with the shame of divorce? Yep. I’m guessing that’s why you tapped on this article. Well, you’re not alone.
My husband and I have both struggled with the shame of divorce. I was raised in the Amish-Mennonite culture where divorce is simply never an option — even when a marriage is abusive and toxic. My husband, Kelvin, had been a pastor for over 20 years when his 18 year marriage ended in divorce. Divorce wasn’t what either of us chose, but it happened.
Facing life after divorce wasn’t easy, but eventually we found healing and overcame the shame of divorce. You too can find freedom from the shame of divorce.
1. Accept that it happened.
You are divorced. That’s a fact. It’s not something you can change.
The longer it takes to embrace the fact that you are divorced, the longer it takes for you to find true freedom and move on. Staying in denial keeps you from facing your wounds and finding healing for your own hurt and dysfunction.
2. Bring shame into the light.
If you hide your divorce away in a closet, all of that dirty laundry will start to stink. It’s time to own your story, all of it. Bring your shame out into the light and watch it slowly evaporate.
“The less we talk about shame, the more power it has over our lives. If we cultivate enough awareness about shame to name it and speak to it, we’ve basically cut it off at the knees.” —Dr. Renee Brown
Process the details of your divorce with people who are safe and those who can provide healthy perspectives, like a counselor or therapist. You aren’t less of a person or less valuable because you are divorced. In fact, going through the fire of divorce can make you more valuable.
Practice repeating your story out loud while looking at yourself in the mirror until it feels less shameful. “I’m divorced. I’m a single dad/mom. And I’m worthy of being loved.” Once you can talk about your divorce without shame, you’ll realize that it doesn’t define you. Divorce is not your identity — it’s only something that happened to you.
Reach out to people who have walked through divorce and are now thriving, with healthy relationships on the other side of such a death. Ask them to tell you about what helped them to heal. Ask them if they ever felt ashamed of their divorce. Sometimes you just need to know that you’re not alone.
“The basis of shame is not some personal mistake of ours, but the ignominy, the humiliation we feel that we must be what we are without any choice in the matter, and that this humiliation is seen by everyone.” —Milan Kundera
BONUS TIP: Let go of people’s opinions. If you grew up in a conservative background, you may experience an unusually intense amount of shaming for your divorce. You may have mentors or family members and friends whose opinions you’ve trusted in the past, who now condemn you and even cut you off! Yes, that happens. And it feels AWFUL. But you must let go of what they think of you. At the end of this article I’ve included a reflection by an author that helped me understand that divorce can be a holy act. Coming to terms with the validity of your divorce can help you release the unhelpful judgements and advice of others. They aren’t living your life — YOU ARE!
3. Take responsibility for your own mistakes and forgive yourself.
Perhaps your divorce was your decision. Perhaps it wasn’t. Whether you were the Petitioner or Respondent on your divorce papers, you have responsibility for whatever you contributed to your marriage. Perhaps you were the abuser, or perhaps you enabled abuse by accepting it. Perhaps you never gave your marriage the attention it needed to be healthy or perhaps you gave so much that you completely lost your own identity, becoming unhealthy as a person.
Blaming everything on your ex-spouse will not allow you to move on with your life. Take responsibility for your mistakes and forgive yourself. When you really dig into your own process of healing, you may find out that it’s harder to forgive yourself than it is to forgive your ex-spouse.
Forgiveness is an important key to freeing yourself from shame. Let yourself out of the cage of condemnation; live free!
“So now the case is closed. There remains no accusing voice of condemnation against those who are joined in life-union with Jesus, the Anointed One.” —Romans 8:1 TPT
4. Embrace the responsibility of your own happiness.
Take time to learn how to truly love yourself. If you’ve never taken yourself on dates, bought flowers for yourself, committed to regular exercise, and practiced speaking kind words to yourself in the mirror, it might feel really strange at first. It might feel narcissistic even. But authentic, gentle self-love will actually humble you and make you a kinder person. God invites us to love others, as we first love ourselves.
Both of us have survived abusive, toxic relationships. We have each been told that we have physical features that make us unattractive, undesirable. We’ve both been cheated on. We both believed the lies that made us feel unworthy of love, so it took a process to experience healing. It took time to unravel the mindsets that were keeping us small. It took time to renew our minds with the truth of who God created us to be. It took time for each of us to find our voices again.
As Kelvin healed after his divorce, he began taking the advice of his friend who was a stylist. He started growing out his hair, working out, and dressing fly. He began practicing affirmations and grew confident in who he was as a man. He has always been a loved pastor and leader, but it took a process for him to really see himself through the eyes of Love. He quit trying to please everyone and practiced making better boundaries. He started going out with his friends to basketball games and tried new things. When Kelvin started pursuing me, I admired his authentic confidence, his respect for me as a woman, his emotional availability, and his personal boundaries.
I was a single mom for almost 7 years before Kelvin and I started dating. Before I got divorced, I started working out and making healthier choices without knowing that this was a way to love myself. After my divorce, one of my mentors introduced the idea of taking myself out on dates. She offered to watch my daughter so I could “take myself out”. The more I learned to enjoy my own company, the more I fell in love with my life. I decided I wouldn’t wait to enjoy my life until I was in a relationship, so I traveled. San Diego, Tokyo, Miami, London, New York City, and Uganda Africa were visited and explored, often without a map. My daughter and I spent the whole summer in Europe, on a budget! Little did I know that my adventurous, independent spirit was the very thing that my future husband would be the most attracted to. He wanted to be with a woman who was vivaciously in love with life!
5. Start dating!
Getting back out there and dating after your divorce can help you move on from the past, as long as you do it in a healthy way. After your divorce, it’s wise to take 1-2 years off from being in any type of romantic relationship.
The decision to date again can feel really exciting or it can feel really scary. When you’re a single parent, it’s more complicated to start dating again because you won’t want to introduce a new person to your child too quickly. As a positive, your children get to see what healthy dating looks like!
We’re both glad that we dated other people before we dated each other. Dating other people helped us figure out what we wanted from a future spouse. Everything that we experience in life, good and bad, is an opportunity for us to learn. Dating taught both of us lessons that made us better people.
The only way to experience healthy dating is to first become a healthy person. Getting healthy looks like having personal accountability, going to therapy, practicing forgiveness, growing in your self awareness, and meditating on truth. You cannot have a healthy relationship if you aren’t healthy.
In order to get over a divorce, you have to go on new adventures instead of focusing on the past. Move on. Overcome the feelings of unworthiness by getting outside of your comfort zone. Surround yourself with new, healthy friendships. Go on a date, but always be safe and always take it slow.
Our love story is beautiful proof that true love and restoration can be experienced after going through divorce. Your best days are still ahead of you!
Finally, I want to leave you with a written piece that gave me a new perspective on divorce. I pray it blesses you.
Divorce can be a holy act.
REFLECTIONS BY AUTHOR ELLE RENEE
Divorce is never a sin in & of itself. It's simply a response or acknowledgment of a relational sin. The sin that precipitates the divorce is abandonment, adultery or abuse.
One spouse could choose to do the abandoning, abusing or affair & seek a divorce. But still, the divorce isn't the sin, it's the acts of abandonment, abuse & adultery.
One spouse could be abandoned, abused or cheated on & seek a divorce. Again, the divorce isn't the sin, it's the acts of abandonment, abuse & adultery.
It is holy to walk away from intentional, unrepentant sin, or to let the other person choosing sin walk away. "Hate what is evil, cling to what is good." Romans 12:12.
Abandonment, adultery & abuse is the evil, not the divorce.
Safety, freedom, humility, kindness & love is the good, not the marriage.
Support the person who is "hating what is evil & clinging to what is good."
Divorce is always grievous because it means the relationship has ended without restoration and peace. But it is also holy because it means a toxic relationship has ended.
Some things are just grievous & holy at the same time. If God could handle that tension (Is. 50:1, Jer. 3:8) so can we.
— Author Elle Renee
