5 Ways to Be a Safe Place for Your Teens When They’re Depressed

As parents, we know that our kids mean the world to us, and we'd do anything to protect them. But what happens when life throws us curveballs and the fallout traumatizes our kids? What happens when our kids experience feelings of sadness or despair that last longer than we'd like? You know what we’re talking about - those moments when you can sense something's not quite right. And you don’t know what to do, how to help, where to turn, or who to trust!

Kids from divorced families face a twofold higher risk of developing depression. Throw in the after-effects of a global pandemic which show a documented 25% increase in teens who are struggling. Shockingly, one in five teens now meets the criteria for major depressive disorder, reflecting the severity of the situation.

At times, some of our kids have struggled with really dark thoughts — such as feeling like life isn’t worth living or having the urge to self-harm. Finding healing is a long and slow journey, but it's one that can be navigated with the right therapy and a whole lot of love and support. When our kids are going through these challenging emotions, the way we respond matters - it's a chance for us to be their rock, their safe place, and their confidante.

Some parents may get scared or overwhelmed when their child talks about dark thoughts or even hints at the idea of taking their life. We've heard stories of parents grounding their children, restricting their clothing choices (like not allowing them to wear a black hoodie), or even dismissing their feelings altogether. While these actions may stem from a place of love and concern, they are counterintuitive and can exacerbate the emotional turmoil our children are experiencing. Reacting with fear can make kids feel as though their emotions are too much to handle, and we definitely don't want them feeling even more isolated, do we?

In this blog post, we’ll explore what to do when supporting our teens through their dark thoughts. Let's create a nurturing environment where they feel safe enough to open up, share their feelings, and let us in on their inner world.

1. Be Their Safe Haven:

When our teens express their emotions, be a safe haven — the one place they can share their feelings without judgment or fear. In those vulnerable moments, shower them with love and reassurance, reminding them that you’re here to listen, understand, and walk with them through their challenges. During hard conversations, create a safe and non-judgmental space for your child to share their emotions openly. Be present, actively listen, and refrain from criticizing or dismissing their feelings. In those moments of vulnerability, be the comfort they need. Listen to them, hold them (if they want a hug!), reassure them, and remind them that they are not alone in their journey. Let them know that you'll walk beside them every step of the way. You might not have all the answers, but you’re showing that you’re willing to show up and figure this out with them.

2. Seek Professional Help:

You were never meant to carry this load alone. If you're sensing something deeper going on with your teen, don't hesitate to seek professional help. Schedule a visit with a mental health therapist who is trauma-informed and specializes in working with kids/teens. Therapy assists kids in exploring and addressing their dark thoughts. It provides a safe space for them to express their emotions, manage strong emotions, improve their outlook, learn coping skills, and rebuild healthy relationships.

KEY TIP: Don’t make therapy “weird”. Don’t make statements that make your kid feel like something is “wrong with them”. Society will do enough of that! After your kids’ therapy session, DO NOT ask them how it went. If and when they feel like sharing, they will! (These are tips from our kids’ therapists!)

Remember, early detection and intervention can make all the difference to save a life and help your child thrive!

3. Embrace Open Communication:

Encourage your kids to share what they're going through and, when they do, actively listen with empathy and an open heart. Sometimes, all they need is to know that they're not alone and that we're here to support them every step of the way. Make mental health discussions a regular part of your family conversations. Normalize the topic, so your kids feel more at ease discussing their emotions and seeking help when needed. When you have established trust with your child, you may ask questions gently such as: When is the last time you couldn’t sleep because you were sad? When is the last time you wanted to hurt yourself? Don’t focus on fixing them, but rather listen without criticism or judgment. Validate their feelings by telling them you understand how hard it is to share things like this. Assure them of your love. Hint: hanging out with them late in the evening is usually the time when kids tend to open up and begin sharing!

4. Show Unconditional Love:

In the face of difficult times and dark thoughts, be the embodiment of unconditional love. You can do this in the smallest ways like not reacting when your child drops and breaks a dish or spills something. Smile and tell them, “It’s ok. Accidents happen.” Find moments when you can do something kind for them. If you know their love language, make sure to speak it. Spend time with them. When a child is struggling, they may feel distant or unlovable, but small gestures of love can make them feel cherished and appreciated. Since we’re human, we won’t always respond in the way we want to as our best selves. That’s when we have the opportunity to apologize! We’re both trying to be aware and recognize the moments our kids want or need to talk and setting aside whatever we’re doing to focus on them.

5. Establish Safety Measures:

When discussing sensitive topics like suicide, create safety measures together. For instance, establish a "pinky promise" agreement where they agree to reach out to you before making any decision to take their life. This gives them a lifeline to hold on to during challenging times.

One evening, one of our daughters bravely opened up to Meg, admitting that she felt like life wasn't worth living. Her heart sank, and in that moment, she chose to simply listen. As tears streamed down her cheeks, Meg held her close, offering the comfort and reassurance she needed. Instead of trying to convince her that life was worth living, Meg gently said, "I know I can’t convince you that life is worth living right now, but please pinky promise me one thing. Before you leave, call me. Call me before you go." In that tender moment, they both wept and our daughter discovered she was not alone in her struggle.

Days later, when the timing was appropriate and emotions weren’t running as high, they had a conversation about what might be helpful during this season of struggle. Our daughter requested therapy and more quality time. We also talked about safety words and other needs that we could meet as parents.

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Everyone faces hardships, experiences dark thoughts, and feels lost at times. It's a sign of wisdom to seek help when needed. By bringing this "big scary dark isolated topic" out into the open and sharing our feelings with past experiences, we can remove the shame and stigma that often surround mental health discussions. We continue to learn how to foster a deeper bond built on trust, compassion, and understanding within our home.

Remember, parents, you have the ability to create a safe space for your teens to share their feelings, removing the shame and stigma often associated with these topics. Create an environment where they can open up without fear or judgment. Together, we'll be their pillars of hope, guiding them towards healing and a brighter tomorrow. Love never fails, and with love, we'll walk with our kids through every storm life throws their way.

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Sources

• The number of teens with symptoms of depression increased by 25% during the pandemic.

  Source: The Jed Foundation, "The State of Teen Mental Health 2022"

• One in five teens now meets the criteria for major depressive disorder.

  Source: The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, "Mental Health Conditions in Children and Adolescents"

• Kids who experience their parents' divorce are twice as likely to develop depression as kids from intact families.

  Source: American Psychological Association, "Divorce and Children's Mental Health"

If you are in crisis, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.