What’s it like to be a white mom in a black family?
One of our social media friends asked me, “I hope this isn't nosey, or inappropriate, but when I watch your family and the way you interact, I have questions. What about the other mom? What happened to her? And what does it feel like to step into an interracial family from your background? I hope that's not rude, but I'm genuinely curious what it's like for you.” -Asker to remain anonymous
First of all, I always welcome the questions I receive. It's natural to wonder about all the dynamics of a family like ours!
I choose not to talk about what happened with our former spouses or why there were divorces. We do share our kids with their other parents. It was easy for my biological daughter, Emma, to accept and love Kelvin as her bonus dad because she's had a bonus mom for the past 5 years, who she loves and adores. She understood the dynamic of having bonus parents, which simply means that there are more people to love her.
Blending a family involves the grief of the way things used to be. That takes time. When adults can be mature and positive about their kids being raised and loved by more parents, it can become a wholesome and wonderful environment for the kids.
The question I get the most is, what's it like to be a white mom in a black family? The short answer: it's interesting and really fun. I love each one of my kids so much — bonus and biological.
I wouldn't say that stepping into an interracial family from my background was difficult, but it's definitely different. My years of living in Japan and then being part of a church where the majority of members are African-American and Hispanic, prepared me to understand cultural differences. I'm always amazed at the way my interests, personal values, and life experiences have prepared me for the life I'm living now, but I still have a lot to learn. We all do! There have been some key ways that I’ve embraced my new role as a white mom with black kids.
Do the work to learn about, embrace, and celebrate their culture.
When blending any family, two different family cultures come together. There are different likes and dislikes, different parenting styles, and different traditions. Because my bonus’ kids are African-American with Caribbean heritage, I’ve learned everything I can about Caribbean culture and what it means to be a black person in America.
I haven’t learned how to make Caribbean curry yet, but I have tackled Jamaican beef patties. The kids helped me roll out the dough and fill the circles with the filling before baking them. Since I have always been drawn to other cultures, learning about my husband and my children’s Caribbean heritage is a delight for me.
Understand that raising black kids is different than raising white kids.
Black parents raise their children differently than white parents. Black children leave their house with a different mindset than white kids. I won't go into all of it for the sake of time, but suffice it to say that our society is not set up in a way that supports or protects my bonus kids and they’re aware of the way they may be perceived.
Learn how to do black hair.
Black hair is MAGIC. I remember the day my then 9-year-old bonus daughter looked up at me with a smile and said, “Did you know my hair is magic?” I glowed and said YES! I’m so grateful that her parents instilled pride in her for her hair and her culture.
When we were planning our wedding, I asked my future daughters how they would like to have their hair done for the wedding. It has been important from day one to make sure they would know that they always have a choice in choosing a hairstyle. Before I did my bonus daughters’ hair, I had their dad’s blessing to do it after he showed me how. Doing black hair is an art with a slow, meditative process that cannot be rushed or done thoughtlessly.
With the helpful advice of other black mamas and an expert ethnic hairdresser, I invested in a whole tote of high-quality hair products for the girls. I love finding hair products with Caribbean ingredients, just because this is a way for me to honor their heritage. It took some practice to learn how to properly part and comb their hair, and how to layer in moisture before sealing their hair strands with oil and styling cream. Once I got the hang of it, I got more confident in doing their hair. It’s also a beautiful way for me to bond with our girls.
Our children do have to tell people not to touch their hair, and I also tell people not to touch their hair when I’m present and someone is curiously reaching out to touch it.
After spending a full day of washing, carefully combing, moisturizing, and twisting my daughters’ magical, fine, beautiful black hair, you best believe I will want to karate chop anyone who tries to touch it. Instead, I will politely ask people not to touch their hair. Touching African hair without permission goes beyond being ignorant or rude — it’s also a deep violation of their culture. Please, do not ever touch a black child’s hair without asking.
Lotion those elbows and knees!
Before bed or before sending them to school, I lotion our kids’ arms and legs. They are concerned about having “ashy knees”, where their skin looks gray when it’s dry. Their skin must be moisturized on a regular basis. I love helping my husband lotion them until their skin glows. This is another beautiful way for me to show my love and care for my bonus kids. I like to add a kiss or a hug to this skin-loving routine, too.
Love and embrace their Black Dad.
It’s rare for children of divorce to have regular parenting time with their father. Those statistics increase significantly in African-American families. Kelvin was determined not to become another negative statistic and he simply loves his kids more than anything, so he remained in his children’s lives against all odds. It’s clear to anyone to see how much the children absolutely adore and respect their dad. One of the things I love the most about my husband is his intentionality and love for his kids. He’s literally the best dad ever and they love that I love him, too!
I’ll never forget the day I filled the giant soaking tub in our master bedroom with a warm bubble bath right before Kelvin got home from work. One of the kids came into our room and discovered what I was doing and, my gosh, you should have seen how excited they got. They ran around the house yelling to each other about the surprise I was doing for their dad, and when he got home they ran to him, screaming excitedly. Loving our kids means loving their dad well, too.
In our marriage, Kelvin and I are both intentional about noticing and celebrating each other's differences, which includes sharing food and customs from each other's cultures and talking through our different parenting styles without making one style seem better than the other — this is easier said than done.
We married for love. We completely adore each other and it feels so natural when we're together. We freely display our affection for each other. Sometimes I do forget that I married a black man. And Kelvin forgets that he married a white woman. Until we're in public and someone is staring at us (yes, that happens every time we are out and that's okay, we are a beautiful couple to stare at 😉) and we'll look at each other and Kelvin says, Hey, you're white. And I say to him, Hey, you're black. And we laugh and kiss and carry on.
In sharing that, I’m not making light of racial discrimination. Being married to a black man and having black kids, I'm more acutely aware of racism and racial ignorance than ever before. To anyone who feels uncomfortable when the words “racism” or “white privilege” are mentioned, I would like to invite you to learn more without getting defensive. Racism is not "made up by the media”, my husband and my kids are not victims, and we don't spend a lot of time focusing on the challenges that we face, it’s simply something we live with. And I say WE because my husband and I are now one and we are a family. Racial oppression is deeply systemic and it affects our lives. I feel tired and sad and yes, angry, when anyone is ignorant or dismissive about racism. But I do see awareness and healthy changes increasing. Some conversations and actions aren’t helpful while others are and I'm learning how to be more helpful than divisive when it comes to this topic.
We hope that our family can show those around us the beauty of coming together to celebrate and HONOR our different cultures. There is always so much more that unites us than what separates us. 🖤
Carry on. ☺️
