To the Mom Whose Kid(s) Now Has a New Stepmom

I’ll never forget that moment in 2016 when I opened my laptop and joined a Zoom call and saw a beautiful, classy young woman on the other side of the screen. We were both young, but somehow she felt fresher, younger, and more hip than me. She was my daughter’s new stepmom, and I really wasn’t sure how I felt about it. I didn’t hate it, but I didn’t love it either. It was just so weird and awkward.

Within moments though—unbeknownst to me at the time—I’d become one of the lucky ones. This woman was mature and kind and gracious, and in a way, she was leading me, teaching me how to navigate this co-parenting path just by the thoughtful way she spoke to me.

Now it’s been nearly ten years since that Zoom call. Five years ago ***I*** became the one in her shoes when I became the new stepmom on a Zoom call with a woman who wasn’t sure about me! Funny how life changes and the roles are reversed.

I want to talk to the mom who’s been the only mom in her kid’s life until now. The mom who suddenly finds herself sharing the mom space because there’s a new woman in the picture who will be or already is your children’s stepmom. The best case scenario is that she becomes more than their stepmom, she’s their bonus mom. The best case scenario is that she will be loving and kind and treat your kids as her own.

But let’s talk about you. Because I know how I felt. I was afraid of being replaced on some level. I was jealous of how good this new woman was at all the things I wasn’t. And I was sure she could never be as good a mom as me... yet secretly terrified she might be better. And in some ways? She has been. Yep.

Thankfully I had some really grounded, wise people around me back then who told me something I didn’t want to hear, but absolutely needed to: This new woman is a gift to your daughter. Of course it’s going to be hard for you. But don’t fight it. Because if you do, you’ll put your daughter in the middle. You’ll force her to choose between her two families that both love her…. And she does not deserve that. The divorce is already hard enough on kids, so don’t make everything harder by fighting your ex’s new relationship.

Was it easy to hear that? Absolutely not. But I’m forever grateful for the wisdom. By the way, if you don’t have people like that in your corner, you might need new friends. Because if the people in your life are constantly encouraging you to fight with your ex and his wife, to document every little thing and drag them back to court—they might not be the voices you should be listening to. Those voices might be validating your insecurities, while your children carry the emotional weight of your fear.

Because that’s what it really comes down to: insecurity. When your kids get a stepmom, it blows the lid off every hidden insecurity you’ve ever had... and if you don’t stop and get curious about those insecurities—if you don’t take time to look at your own story—you will react from fear, jealousy, and a scarcity mindset. And you’ll end up creating chaos.

There’s a quote by Simone de Beauvoir: "No one is more arrogant toward women, more aggressive or scornful, than the man who is anxious about his virility." The same could be said here: No bio mom is more hostile toward the stepmom, more condescending or resentful, than the bio mom who fears being replaced. Who doubts her own role. Who is secretly terrified she’s not enough…

Can you relate? Because I can. I’ve been there. The jealousy and insecurity I felt weren’t about my ex’s new wife—they were about me. My own fears. My own grief. My own unmet needs. But once I started getting curious, once I sat with those feelings and stopped trying to control the narrative, something changed. By sitting with my insecurities, I brought light into the areas of my shadow self. And the shadows slowly melted.

Now our daughter is 15.

When Kelvin and I got married, we sat around the dinner table with our kids and talked about what it meant to be heading into this massive change. We asked them how they felt about having a new stepmom and stepdad. I’ll never forget when Emma just shrugged and said, "Having more parents just means more people to love me."

And in that moment, I knew all the work I’d done over the years had come full circle. She wasn’t threatened. She was open. That was the fruit of surrendering and facing the hard things to get to my own healing. I still get emotional when I think about it!

That doesn’t mean it’s all been easy. There’s been grief. There’s been conflict. There’s been tough adjustments to all these new people and Emma sharing her mom with them. To my knowledge her dad has never made her feel guilty about loving her stepdad, and I believe that’s been a gift to her, too. Kids shouldn’t ever feel like they have to choose between homes!!

I was listening to Julia Cameron’s The Artist's Way this morning—chapter two, where she talks about sabotaging our own growth and people she refers to as “crazy-makers”. She says people who stir up chaos are often blocking their own creativity. That hit me. Because maybe that’s what some moms are doing when they obsess over the other household or the new wife. They’re avoiding their own healing, their own growth, their own creativity… I know that’s what I’m doing everytime I start reacting from my own insecurities… I’m just sabotaging myself!!

So if you find yourself constantly triggered by the stepmom, pause and ask yourself: What am I avoiding? What am I resisting? What is creating the intense reaction inside of me? Is there some truth that I don’t want to confront?

At the end of the day, our children will only benefit from an atmosphere of peace and cooperation. Their lives will only benefit from our individual health and growth and creativity. When we’re not our best selves, it’s our kids that ultimately suffer from that.

4 Practices that Help You Navigate Life with a Stepmom in the Picture

I created a list of creative practices that I’ve learned from various coaches or therapists over the years and they’ve helped me not only navigate challenging times but also heal and step into more wholeness. You don’t have to do everything on this list. Just pick one. Try it. Let it anchor you when you're feeling reactive, anxious, or overwhelmed. Let it pull you back into who you want to be. Come back to it when you need a reset.

1. Audit Your Time & Mental Energy

Think about it: Where is my time going?

• Write down the 5 major things that took up your time this week. How much time (or energy) did each one get?

• Now ask yourself: How much time am I spending thinking about the other house? If it’s more than 10%, you might be in a toxic loop.

• Consider: How much time am I spending in nature? On self-care? On creativity? On life-giving friendships? What’s one creative thing I haven’t allowed myself to do?

• What would it take to carve out more time for what makes me feel whole?

2. Make a Joy List

Create a list of 20 things that light you up. What do you enjoy doing? Then pick 5 and put a date next to each one. Make “dates with yourself” to do those things. After you do those, come back to your list and pick 5 more. These aren’t luxuries, these are practical ways to bring joy into your life again!

3. Write Your Eulogy (Yes, Really)

A couple years ago, I read a book by Donald Miller about heroes, victims, and villains. One of the practices he encouraged to avoid this toxic triangle is to write out your eulogy.… The words that could be read at your funeral about the kind of person you were. This practice isn’t about morbid reflection. It’s about the legacy you are creating right now.

If someone were to read words about you at your funeral, what would they say? What kind of way do you want to be remembered, who do you want your children to remember you as? Do you want your children to remember you as the one who held desdain for their dad and his wife? Do you want your children to remember the way you were on edge and they had to walk on eggshells around you? Or do you want them to remember a vibrant woman who lived life like it was her only life to live? Do you want them to remember the love you showed them and the generous way you moved in the world? Who will your children remember when you’re gone??

Write a few paragraphs about who you want to be remembered as. It doesn’t have to be super long. Then post it somewhere you can see it often, or put it by your nightstand and read it daily. Let it become a filter for your decisions—especially on the hard days.

4. Make 10 Tiny Changes

Make a list of 10 small changes. Think about the small shifts would improve your everyday life… a new sheet set, more walks, drinking more water, going to bed earlier, organizing your favorite drawer, journaling once a week.

Implement one every other week and you could stretch this out over 20 weeks. Watch how these incremental shifts compound into something transformative inside of you… and make note of the changes.

5. Ask Holy Spirit to Redirect You

You don’t have to muscle your way through healing. When you're spiraling or obsessing, pause and pray:

• Holy Spirit, help me refocus.

• Show me what is mine to carry, and what is not.

• Remind me who I am.

Ask a trusted friend to hold you accountable when the spiral starts. Ask for help before you're buried under it!!!

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Finally, pay attention to what happens when you shift your focus.

• As you move your energy toward growth, self-care, and inner peace, notice:

  • How does your body feel?

  • How do your kids respond?

  • What kind of people and opportunities begin to show up?

Healing is magnetic and peace multiplies… because we reap what we sow!

Did you notice that nothing on this list or practices requires you to talk to the other mom?? This is not asking you to be her friend or fix what’s broken between you. That’s not what this is about. This is about becoming the woman you want to be. The mother you want to be remembered as. The steady presence in a home that your children can relax and feel safe in.

Start small. Start today.

And when you do? You may just realize... you were never being replaced.

You were simply being invited to become more fully you.

And that invitation is still on the table.

If you dare to accept it, you may trust that the work you do quietly, faithfully, will ripple into something beautiful.