Surviving the Roller Coaster: Tips for Kids with a Toxic Parent
Hey there, awesome humans! We discovered we have junior readers, so today is all about YOU.
If you're reading this, chances are you've got a parent with some toxic behavoirs, and you're navigating through a life that sometimes feels like a roller coaster designed by a mad scientist. Fear not! We’re here to share some survival tips, communication hacks, and self-care strategies that will make you feel like a ninja in the midst of chaos. So, buckle up and let's dive in!
1. The Art of Survival: Understanding it’s Not Your Fault
First things first, let's demystify toxic behavior. Picture someone navigating a complex maze while wearing blinders. They're so focused on their own path and the challenges they’re dealing with that they bump into you without realizing it. That’s often what happens when a toxic parent takes their anger out on their kid. The first thing you need to know is that their reactions are not about you, but about the chaos and triggers in their mental universe. It’s not your fault. It’s also not your job to take care of them, although it feels that way sometimes, doesn’t it?
Do any of these scenarios feel familiar?
One day you’re the favorite kid, and the next day, you're suddenly their biggest disappointment. It might feel like you can never predict which version of your parent you’re going to get. One minute they’re proud of you, the next they’re mad at you for the smallest thing. One moment, they’re affectionate and praising you, and the next, they’re distant, angry, or even yelling. It’s hard to keep up with those quick changes. Their mood changes confuse you, and you’re never exactly sure where you stand.
Small mistakes feel like huge failures to them. Maybe you forgot to take out the trash, accidentally left something at home, or got a lower grade on a test, and instead of just being a little upset, they explode and tell you things like, “You’ll never amount to anything,” or “You’re a disappointment.” It feels confusing and completely unfair! You feel like you can’t ever relax around them because you’re walking on eggshells. Sometimes, everything seems fine, but you’re always waiting for them to suddenly get mad, even if you haven’t done anything wrong.
They say things that make you feel really good or really bad, and there’s no in-between. They might tell you how amazing you are and how much they love you, but then suddenly, they say hurtful things that make you doubt yourself. They may be feeding you a worm sandwich, aka an underhanded diss. You probably feel like you have to be perfect. It might seem like if you don’t do everything perfectly, they’ll flip out. So, you start stressing about every little thing, just to avoid making them mad.
They see themselves as the victim. In their minds, they are nearly always the victim of every unfortunate outcome and it’s very difficult for them to take any responsibility for their actions. Nothing is ever their fault. When they break their promises or hurt you, they’ll blame it on someone else - maybe even YOU. Every parent forgets things from time to time, but when it becomes a consistent pattern it’s a problem.
They might apologize after being hurtful, but it keeps happening again and again. Sometimes, after a big outburst, they might say they’re sorry and act like everything’s fine again—but then the cycle repeats, and you’re back to feeling really confused and hurt. You may feel like you can’t believe what they say. It’s very hard to trust them, because they break your trust over and over.
Remember, none of this is your fault. You deserve to feel safe, supported, and loved, no matter what. No parent is perfect, but living on this constant roller coaster is exhausting.
Tip: Keep a journal or a digital note journal on your phone. Write down your experiences, thoughts, and feelings. It’s like downloading your brain onto paper or screen, making things less overwhelming. For protection, you can add a password if you’re writing a digital note.
2. Communication: KEEP IT SIMPLE
Talking to a parent with toxic behavoirs can sometimes feel like trying to solve a Rubik's Cube blindfolded. Here are some communication skills that may help you:
Start by acknowledging their feelings. Saying things like, "I see you're really upset," can work wonders.
Be clear and concise. Long explanations can be overwhelming to them or have the potential to wind you up in a sticky web that you can’t seem to get out of because they’ll be more likely to use things you said against you.
Steer clear of blame or criticism. This can escalate things faster than popcorn in a microwave.
Any time you confront them about anything, it will feel like trying to nail jelly to a wall. It’ll never work because, remember, they cannot take responsibility for anything. In their mind, they are a victim. Try to avoid any confrontation with them and use the Gray Rock Response technique.
3. Self-Care: Your Secret Weapon
Living with an unhealthy parent can be draining. It's like being Batman - always on duty. You rarely get a break, unless you have another parent or family member’s house to go to that is PEACEFUL. So, self-care is your secret weapon.
Create a personal space where you can relax and be yourself.
Find someone you trust (a friend, relative, teacher) who can be your safe place – someone to talk to when things get tough.
Practice mindfulness or meditate on a verse that gives you hope. It's like giving your brain a spa day. Ask God for help and grace to navigate this challenging journey. Although it feels like it, you are not alone… and this will not last forever because you’re growing up…
4. Establish Boundaries: Be the Boss of Your Space
Setting boundaries is like building a fortress. It's about knowing where you end and your parent begins. Yep, you’re allowed to create boundaries, even though it will most certainly be uncomfortable!
Learn to Say No (Politely): It’s okay to say no to things that make you uncomfortable.
Your Personal Space is Sacred: Ensure you have your own space and time that is respected.
5. The Power of Humor: Laugh in the Face of Chaos
Never underestimate the power of a good laugh. It's like a secret potion that makes the world brighter.
Watch comedies, read funny books, or just laugh at the absurdity of life.
Share your funniest moments with friends or siblings. It lightens the mood.
6. Plan for the Future: Be the Author of Your Story
Remember, you are the author of your own story. Plan for your future.
Dream Big: Focus on your goals and what makes you happy.
Education is Your Superpower: Stay focused on your studies. Education is your ticket to freedom and independence.
7. You're Not Alone: Join the Club
There are many kids out there in similar boats. Finding a support group can be super helpful.
Group Therapy: Consider joining a group therapy session for kids with parents who are struggling. We know… this can be tough to organize but there are support groups everywhere and you might have to get creative to get into one.
School Counselor: When finding a school counselor to talk to, you need someone who will be safe and have your back!
BE CAREFUL: Don’t trust people who you meet online! Although it may feel good at first to have someone to talk to, we both know there are tons of creeps out there who don’t care about you, and they just want to use you. Find a safe teacher or another safe adult to talk to.
Living with an unhealthy parent can be tough, but remember, it’s also making you incredibly resilient and empathetic. You're learning life skills that some people don’t get until they’re wearing reading glasses and complaining about back pain. When you get older, you’ll be more easily able to create space and boundaries with your parent and other people who are not behaving their best. In the meantime, hang in there: You got this!
