Raising Black Sons in a White America

I have never felt comfortable embracing the "boys will be boys" aphorism. Though harmless and well-meaning, it seems to trivialize and excuse particular male behavior. Since becoming a dad, the “boy will be boys” phrase has been revisited because two of my five children are boys. One is thirteen, and the other is seven. They are fun guys who enjoy traditional masculine activities such as rough-housing, sports, action films, and pretending to be superheroes.

But once again, I find myself challenging the societal stereotypes as I raise my sons. I believe each boy is unique and should not be pegged into a typical male gender role. I want to raise our boys to embrace their feelings and emotions, knowing that it’s okay for them to cry. The adage that boys should be tough, "suck it up", and show no weakness is unhealthy and can lead to violent outbursts later in life.

Boys are vulnerable. They should be taught the importance of consent and setting boundaries because they are susceptible to sexual abuse, just like their female counterpart. Boys should be kissed, hugged, and told, "I love you," by their parents, especially as they grow older. Even at a young age, our sons were introduced to all the colors besides blue such as pink, green, yellow, gray, orange, purple. Their choices were unlimited! I also did not discourage them from playing dolls with their sisters as it fosters healthy sibling bonding and family roll playing.

Around the house, our boys participate in household chores such as cooking, washing the dishes, vacuuming, laundry, cleaning up their rooms, and after themselves. I do not want our boys to think these tasks are menial or exclusive only to women. Plus, I want them to learn how to be responsible and independent. One day, should they choose to marry, they should seek a lifelong partner and not a maid to clean up after them.

I’m also teaching our boys the importance of having a personal relationship with God. My faith has been key for me over the last 30 years and I believe our sons’ faith will help them through life’s ups and downs.

These thoughts on my son-rearing preferences are not unique. Most of my friends follow similar models. The complex challenge we face as parents, however, is how to raise black sons in a society that is hostile towards their skin color.

The Unique Challenge of Raising Black Boys

I (Kelvin) was born on the beautiful island of Grenada in the Caribbean, and I did not encounter racism until moving to the United States of America. My wife (Meg) was born Amish and raised in a white context for the majority of her life. As such, she was not exposed to the discrimination blacks faced until she began to educate herself and then became aware of the privileges given to whites.

Beware of the Black Man’s Reality

Not everyone is treated equally in our country. Racism isn't a conspiracy, victim mindset, or a figment of our imagination. African-American males have been demonized and weaponized. It is our experience—a reality!

As parents, we are concerned for our black sons each time they leave our home for school, hang out in the neighborhood, or attend an event with their friends. Unfortunately, black boys have a greater chance of being falsely labeled, accused of wrongdoing, and sometimes killed while unarmed. I tell our boys that while their white friends may get away with innocent games, they may not. So we teach them to avoid certain jokes and activities when away from our home.

Respect Authority

I remind my sons to protect themselves at all costs: respect authority, place their arms where people can see them, avoid wearing hoodies at certain times of the day, and so on. Survival and compliance are more vital than fairness and correctness because we want them to come home at the end of the day. Even then, we pray and hope for the best outcome because even complete compliance doesn’t always work in a black man’s favor.

Practice Good Etiquette

I emphasize the basic etiquettes like “please”, “thank you”, “yes sir” and “yes ma'am”, how to give firm handshakes, and look at people in the eyes when speaking to grown-ups. Besides boosting their social skills, I encourage the boys to practice proper grooming and personal hygiene because black boys are always fully evaluated by their appearance.

Education Matters

In our home, education is imperative because people won’t take you seriously if you are illiterate. There are more hoops to jump through in our society as minorities. My single mother made my education a priority. I completed my Master's degree even though she never finished High School. It is not the silver bullet to every problem but having some schooling matters. We make room for our black sons to read, write and explore the wonderful world of the arts, science, math, and technology. And even though college is not for everyone, it is crucial to teach young black men how to articulate themselves and become critical thinkers.

Think Outside the Box: Be the Change

Meg and I also encourage entrepreneurship in our children as they could have the opportunity of changing the system by building their own businesses. They may still be unaccepted because of their race but at least they have the chance to carve a path for themselves.

When it comes to sports, basketball and football are not the only options for our black boys. There is Taekwondo, chess, soccer, tennis, swimming, hockey, and lacrosse. And our boys are not less manly should they decide on non-sporting curriculum actives.

The Gift of a Black Father’s Presence

As a black father, the best gift I can give to our black sons is my presence. An estimated 67% of black children are born into a single-parent (mother) household. I was part of this statistic. We may lack the ability to provide certain possessions to our black boys, but our presence should never be one of them. Our sons need our time, an embrace, a listening ear, laughter, playfulness, and words of affirmation.

Embrace Your Blackness

Last, we are raising our black sons to embrace their blackness. When I immigrated to the United States over twenty years ago, I primarily wore khakis and polo shirts because that’s how I saw most white men dressing. I also ate mashed potatoes and gravy, turkey soup, pizza, hotdogs, and lots of PBJ (peanut butter and jelly). Though black, I sometimes “acted white” in order to be accepted or fit in. My white friends were cool with me as long as I embraced their white culture. 

Over the years, I was also ridiculed because of my black features: dark skin, prominent nose, and lips. Sometimes I was told, “You need to speak better English" or “Go back to where you came from if you are not happy here.”  My oldest son is starting to experience the same. However, I’ll continue to remind him and his younger brother who they are and of their rich black ancestry. 

Black culture should be embraced! Our mannerisms, our history, dance, humor, foods (my Caribbean favorites: curry chicken or goat, oxtail, Malta, ginger beer) are all special. 

It’s ok to wear Timberlands, baggy pants or a dashiki.
It’s ok to rock braids, afro, durag, or a natural hairstyle.
It’s ok to buy or sell things at the barbershop.
It’s ok to enjoy rap, soul, Motown, reggae or sing in the choir.
It’s ok to eat collard greens, mac and cheese, and fried chicken at the local BBQ.

Blackness will look and should be expressed differently among blacks. Let’s encourage our sons to not leave their blackness at the door in order to be welcomed, tolerated, or accepted by others. 

Black is Beautiful

Black is not synonymous with evil. Black people are not inferior or better than anyone else. Oh no, we are not. On the contrary, we tell our black sons, "You are strong, bold, smart, industrious, kind, confident, and handsome inside and out”. We are a loving people, filled with aspiration, dreams, creativity, ingenuity, and pride.

Our black boys are beautiful!