Hot take: My biggest mistake as a stepmom was trying to love everyone “the same”

It’s hard to believe I’ve been a stepmom for nearly 7 years. I see a lot of growth in the woman I am today, especially in the area of being able to admit where I went wrong.

Before I became a stepmom, I asked Emma for advice. She was ten and she’d had a stepmom since she was five. I figured she could tell me something from a kids perspective that I needed to know. 

She cocked her head to the side, thought for a little bit and then said, “Mom… just don’t try too hard.”

I smiled and thought, oh that’s easy, I won’t, I’ll just be me.  Ha! 

Looking back now at the first few years of being a stepmom, I know I definitely tried too hard. But the way it started out, I just thought I was being me. I just wanted everyone to be loved the “same” and there was nothing wrong with that. I love big, when I’m in, I’m all in! I threw everything I had into making sure every kid in our home felt equally loved. But in the middle of me trying to love everyone equally, Emma felt like she lost her mom. That’s not what I meant to do. But that’s what happened.

It was devastating for Emma. She didn’t feel like I had her back anymore. Her and I had always been each other’s whole world and now our world had five people added to it overnight and she no longer had Mom to herself. I hate admitting it, but I hurt her deeply and I have to be real about that and own it.

About two or three years in I finally started seeing what had been happening and I began reversing my wrongs, trying to pull back from overfunctioning as a stepmom and also repairing my relationship with Emma. 

Things between us didn’t heal overnight. It’s been a process. 

When she was finished with middle school, her auntie and I took her on a multi-day wilderness backpacking trip to help her become resilient for high school. We both basically hated that 😩 but I wanted her to learn she can do hard things… even though when it came down to it, I could hardly do a hard thing. 😂 

When Ems turned 16, I asked her to choose where she wanted to go for her big 16th birthday trip. Since she was young, we’d talked about doing a big trip when she turns 16 and this was a promise I intended to keep. 

She picked Egypt.

It was EPIC. 10 days. A gorgeous Nile River cruise, the pyramids, all the ancient temples, local flights across the country, shopping for traditional Egyptian dresses and headwraps, a sunrise hot air balloon ride, a carriage ride through the city of Luxor, the Valley of the Kings… we saw nearly everything she wanted to see. No expense was spared. We did it all. We even stopped and spent a day in London with a luxurious hotel stay on the way home.

One night as we were lying in bed on the cruise ship after a delicious meal, I asked her, “Hey, remember the wilderness trip? Yeah. It sucked. But guess what you also get with me - Egypt. You are the only child I’ve ever given birth to, and that also means there’s going to be some things I do with you that I don’t do with anyone else. That’s just the way it is.”

And maybe it’s controversial to say it, but I believe that’s the way it should be. My relationship with my daughter is different than the relationships I have with each of my stepkids. Each relationship is unique to that child.

Back during the season where Emma felt like she was losing me, I was trying to make sure I was spending extra time with her when my stepkids weren’t here - like having breakfast at Le Peep or going thrifting on an “off weekend” - but I wasn’t consistent enough and she also really needed to see me choosing her even when her stepsiblings were around. 

Emma gets the best parts of me, and… she’s also gotten the worst parts of me too. (IYKYK) We have been through a bit of hell and high water together. She’s my miracle baby. This girl has been and will always be my beating heart walking outside of my body. That’s just how it is. 

When I married Kelvin, I knew he was a package deal with 4 kids and I was excited. I wanted Emma to have a dad and siblings. I wanted the whole built-in family package. What I didn’t realize was that it takes time - YEARS - to really feel like a family, and even though Emma and I both love this family we’ve joined, we are still our own unit. Me and her. Her and I. And the opposite is true too. Kelvin and his kids have embraced us and loved us well AND they are still their own unit. Our kids need their own time with each of us. Just like Emma and I took a trip together, Kelvin has taken time away with his 4.

I read all the books, so I thought I had a good handle on how to be a good stepmom. But man, the water grew cloudy quickly and I began to struggle with knowing what I should or shouldn’t do. I was damned if I do too much, and damned if I don’t do enough. It wasn’t long before I began to feel resentful because I was sacrificing and doing so much and I didn’t feel appreciated or reciprocated. This time I couldn’t pick up a book that would tell me exactly what do. That’s not a thing. It’s confusing to know where the line is because that line looks different for every stepparent. Even when you’re a biological mom, you have a hard time knowing where the line is of letting go and stepping in. 

Even though I overfunctioned in the beginning of this journey, I don’t have any regrets. There are still many things I’ll do for all of our kids the same way – making meals, learning how to do hair, taking them to hair appointments, going to their school plays, providing basic necessities, getting school supplies, going on special little 1-on-1 “date nights”, planning a fun family vacation… and then there are other things that aren’t part of my responsibility, like deciding which piercings they are allowed to get or taking them to get their driver’s permit or planning a big milestone trip for my stepkids.

Everyone has a different view on this, do what works for you! I’m just sharing how I’ve kind of figured out where “the line” is for me. Now when my stepkids ask for something outside of my “line” I respond with something like, “That sounds great, have you talked to your dad / mom about that?” Now it’s easy to defer, but it took me a long time to understand where my line is and I’m still figuring it out. I love to be generous and sometimes it’s really hard for me to say no. I absolutely love my stepkids and I always will. But it’s also OK (and healthy) that my relationship with my biological daughter is different. 

If you are a stepmom or a bio mom who is co-parenting with a stepmom, I would love to hear your perspective. Maybe the lines look different for each of us, and we can learn from hearing different experiences or perspectives.