5 Keys to Avoid Burn Out as a Stepmom in a Blended Family
One of the side notes Kelvin made on our first date was that he wasn't looking for a mom or nanny for his kids, since they already have a mother. We both respected the fact that our kids have biological parents that are involved in their lives.
Little did either of us know that blending a family would be way harder than we thought. I thought I could just hang out with his kids and be friends with their bio mom, and everything would be peachy. But golly, was I wrong about a few things. Now I smile at the naivety of the woman who was dating that wonderful man, because everything was going to change in ways we couldn’t have prepared ourselves for!
After we tied the knot I found myself struggling, floundering, burning out, and feeling like a stranger in my own home. If you’re a stepmom, I know you can probably relate. Being a stepmom can sometimes feel like living in the Upside Down world from Stranger Things; everything is familiar, yet different and strange. You're trying to navigate a new dimension with different rules and dynamics, all while trying not to get sucked into the void. You're trying to balance the demands of two worlds without fully belonging to either one, and sometimes you feel like you’re turning into a Demogorgon — losing who you are!
Things started to change when I decided to hire a stepfamily coach. She helped me understand that I needed to fully embrace my role as a stepmom — being the mother of our home. I will never replace our kids’ bio mom, that would be impossible! However, if I had stayed passive and disengaged, not getting involved in the parenting aspects of my role, our home would have been in chaos, and my stepkids would not have felt accepted, supported, and nurtured by me. Every stepmom has a different approach and every family dynamic is different, so I needed to figure out what worked well for our home.
It's been a journey but the lessons I've learned, through coaching and on my own, have really helped me to thrive in this role instead of losing myself in it. I wanted to share some of these "secrets" with you, especially for those times when it gets really tough.
ONE. It is what it is. Release what you can’t control.
When you’re a parent, there are things beyond your control. When you’re a stepparent, those things are compounded x10. You will never solve all the issues. It is what it is.
What I can and must focus on, is what I CAN create and nurture within our time in our home with our children. When I shift my focus, suddenly, the possibilities and opportunities are endless. The atmosphere in our house is what I influence and nurture as the mother of our home. I can continue to create plans and routines, while also holding those plans lightly, aware that my sense of control is an illusion and our routine could change at any moment.
Shifting my focus doesn’t mean I ignore the issues, because we still have to deal with those, but I try not to spend much time on them. My time is precious. I’m learning to budget it wisely. When the issues feel like a bag of rotting bones that come to my front porch, I mentally put on a hazmat suit and take care of them. That means I don’t allow the issues to take up space in my conversations with my friends or fill up the time with my husband on our date night. There are a handful of people in my life who are safe to share anything and everything with, but even then I’m careful not to focus on whatever is negative.
It’s an ongoing learning and growing process. No matter what role you have in life, you can benefit from not spending your energy trying to fix complicated issues, get upset by other people’s emotions, or fix all the things outside your control… it is what it is.
The application is simple. Deal with what you must or can, spend the majority of your time being creative, and take care of your personal health. Easier said than done, trust me, I know. No, the world doesn’t need you to do it all. Your family doesn’t need you to do it all. Learn to let some things go. Life will go on.
TWO. Make self care a #1 priority.
This would have been the first point, but until you learn to release control you won’t be able to enjoy self care! My self care list is very specific and hopefully it helps you get some ideas for ways to practice loving yourself.
Infared sauna sessions. On the recommendation of our friend Christi, my husband gifted me with a membership to a spa where I have access to light therapy and an infared sauna. Those weekly sessions make me feel like a new woman! I may sound really spoiled, but I now need regular visits to the infared sauna. Yes, my husband has spoiled me completely. ;) If a spa membership wasn’t in the budget, I could still go to a sauna at our local community center or at a gym. I highly recommend it.
Pleasure practices. “A pleasure practice is being aware of pleasure and taking actions that strengthen your ability to feel and experience pleasure. When you rebuild the neurons in your brain, it allows your brain find pleasure pathways easier.” (credit) Whether it’s sitting at my favorite lookout in the mountains, savoring a delicious plate of food, lighting a candle, or cuddling with a fluffy pillow, simple pleasure practices help my mind focus on whatever is good in my life.
Creativity. Several different studies have shown that creativity reduces anxiety, depression, and stress. It can also help you process trauma or difficult situations. As an artist, I see the incredible benefits of creativity every time I teach art therapy, which is why I’ve invited our children into this practice. I have a studio where we can paint any time, making that expression of creativity something easy to access. Painting is a key element of my self care practice, but I also find many other ways to be creative. Whether I’m arranging the pancakes in a spiral on Saturday morning or decorating our home — all creative activity nourishes me so I can show up as my best self.
Soul care brings a sense of peace, clarity, and purpose as you navigate the challenges and stresses of blending a family. For me, it involves bringing to my conscious awareness the Holy Spirit’s guidance, since God’s presence is always with us, and learning about my truest identity in Christ. Soul care nourishes and tends to the deepest part of ourselves, which can be seen as a form of self-care.
Connecting with my husband (OFTEN). Whether it involves the pleasure of physical intimacy, long pillow talks, or a late night date at a darling speakeasy downtown, our connection makes our marriage one that we love being in. Connecting with my husband reminds me of why I’m here — because he is the love of my life!
When issues seem to be piling up or intensifying, I take that as my cue to make more art and schedule extra self care. When I sense resentment rising in myself, that’s a cue to create better boundaries around my time and energy. I have learned that I can’t fix everything, so I shift my focus on what I can do — taking care of myself!
THREE. Ego, have a seat.
To thrive as a stepmom, you’ll need to keep your ego in check. Choose to not retaliate with emotion or take part in petty games. You know them… the subtle and not-so-subtle dissing game, the game with the items that go back and forth between houses, the fake smiles followed by jabs, the things that go missing… do not engage in those games. They are silly and immature.
When you’re the surest of being “right”, that’s your cue that your ego is probably in the driver’s seat — not love. If you’ve found yourself getting sucked into these games or find yourself walking on eggshells for fear of offending the other party, take a moment to pause and shake it off. Schedule self-care. Talk to a therapist or stepfamily coach.
I’ve learned that it’s really helpful to pause. The next time you are ready to hit “send” after pounding all of your resentful feelings into that keyboard to “prove your point” or to be “heard”, pause. The next time you have a strong reaction to something you read or hear, pause. The next time you are offended, pause. Pause and gain perspective. Pause and set a better boundary.
Don’t be passive as you build strong boundaries and stand in the position you have as the mother of your home. But do be free of the ego’s unhelpful assertions.
Boundaries are needed to create healthy relationships. Boundaries are all about what you will or will not do — not another individual. You can’t control what anyone else does! Boundaries help us be more disciplined with our own behavior. You don’t need to allow access to someone who is toxic toward you. By pulling away, you’ll often be able to find a perspective of compassion and love for someone who tends to be difficult. They are going through their own challenges that have nothing to do with you.
It’s possible for the other party to think you’re intentionally goading them even when you’re not, but don’t let that guilt or shame you. You’ll know in your heart whether you are operating from a pure motive or not. A kind gesture from you may come across as a threat in her mind’s ongoing rivalry, but if you know it wasn’t meant that way, you’ll go to sleep in peace. Your heart posture is the key. There is no "arrival", but rather we're invited to an ongoing process of growth.
FOUR. Allow time to do her best work.
When my daughter Emma gained her stepmom about seven years ago, I suddenly found myself in completely unfamiliar territory. I was awkward. I wasn’t sure what to say. Sometimes I said the wrong thing. Thankfully I had wise people around me who helped me understand what a blessing Emma had received — another parent to love her! This beautiful woman enhances our daughter’s life in so many ways and I’ve grown to be incredibly grateful for her. Time has already done her excellent work in all of our lives.
In an ideal world, bio moms and stepmoms would all be mature, kind, and work together for the best interest of their children. Unfortunately, not all situations are perfect, and sometimes the biological parent may make their children feel afraid to love their stepparent, or speak poorly of them in front of the children, or even try to sabotage their relationship. This kind of behavior is not only immature, but also psychologically harmful for the children. There is nothing you can do about that type of behavior, however, you always get to choose your own behavior.*
(*Two great resources for parallel parenting with high-conflict individuals: this book and this book.)
It helps to be patient, letting time and experiences bond you with your stepkids. Interestingly enough, studies have shown that when you marry your spouse when children are age 9 or under, they won’t really remember a time when you weren’t in their lives once they’re adults. That’s right… eventually (if not already) you’ll become a permanent part of your stepchild’s life and they won’t be able to picture life without you.
Research also shows that children who are exposed to a parent badmouthing the other parent or stepparent may harbor resentment towards that parent as they grow older. The person who attempts to turn their children against the other parent, whether it's their biological or stepparent, may ultimately find themselves struggling with regrets and unhappiness.
Love your kids, choose your words wisely, apologize when you mess up, and allow time to do her best work. Love always wins.
FIVE. Remember who you are.
Finally, I’ve been learning that being a good stepmom doesn’t have much to do with being a stepmom. That’s right. I saved the best for last.
Being a good stepmom doesn’t have much to do with being a superb chef in the kitchen or braiding hair or signing the homework book or checking all the other boxes I may have thought I needed to check at one point. Nah. The kids won’t remember much, if any, of those little details.
What they will remember and be impacted by is WHO I am. Being a “good stepmom” has everything to do with who I am as a person — my commitment to personal growth, creativity, kindness, honesty, tenacity, and the willingness to show up. I think the same could be said for most of the roles we fill.
Last year I read Donald Miller’s book, Hero on a Mission: A Path to a Meaningful Life. This book includes several practical practices and activities that help one live a more meaningful life. One of the activities Mr. Miller practices on a regular basis is reading his personal epilogue. This reminds him of how he wants to be remembered, who he wants to be.
As I wrote my epilogue I asked myself, who do I want to be remembered as when I’m a distant memory? Is my presence calming? Am I a safe person? Did I keep the promises I made? Will I be remembered as the parent who could always find a positive outlook on the challenges we face? Will my children be proud of who I was? Will there be a sense of gratitude when they think about me? What will I do now to cultivate creativity and meaning in my life? You get the picture. No matter what role you have in your life, this is a fantastic exercise.
None of us are perfect and we’ll all make mistakes, but if you don’t have a vision of where you want to go or who you want to be, you’ll slip into autopilot. It’s so easy to go through the motions without intentionality when we’re in survival mode. However, living life in autopilot is simply not an option when you desire a life of meaning. It takes consistent inner work and deliberation to show up as the authentic, healthiest version of yourself but it is worth the effort.
Wherever you are in this process, keep growing, showing up, and choosing love.
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